Galaxy Quest -

Galaxy Quest




(Boy) Exiting time knot, sir.
(Man) We're...alive.
We made it.
By Grabthar's hammer,
we live to tell the tale.
(Computer)
Systems functional.
All systems working,
Commander.
I don't like it.
It was too easy.
Wait! Oh, no.
They're everywhere!
- Time knots are opening
everywhere!
- A trap!
We're surrounded,
Commander.
It's a core meltdown, sir.
It can't be stopped.
- Surrender may be
our only option.
- No! Never give up!
Never surrender!
Your orders, sir?
Sir? Your orders?
Activate the Omega 13.
(Applause)
(Man) Well? Huh?
Well, there you are.
(Cheering)
Yeah! Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about!
You are the first people
to see
the lost Galaxy Quest
episode 92 two-parter...
since it was aired in 1982!
Huh? Yeah! All right.
Now, the moment
you've been waiting for.
The intrepid crew...
of the NSEA Protector! Yeah!
(Man) Red scarf,
black shoes. Wait.
White scarf, black buttons,
white shoes.
Man, where is he?
An hour and a half late?
- An hour and a half.
- This is unreal.
They're gonna start
eating each other.
Did you hear? He booked
an appearance without us.
You're kidding?
Oh. Uh...um...
How did I come to this?
Not again.
- I played Richard III.
- Five curtain calls.
Five curtain calls. I was an
actor once, now look at me!
I can't go out there, and I
won't say that stupid line one
more time!
I can't, I won't.
At least you had a part.
You had a character
people loved.
My TV Guide interview was six
paragraphs about my boobs
and how they fit
into my suit.
No one even asked me
what I DO on the show.
You had the...
Wait. Wait,
I'll think of it.
- I repeated the computer, Fred.
- Whew!
Your commander is on deck!
Ha ha!
Wow, that smog
is thick today, huh?
Am I late
for Alexander's panic attack?
Apparently not.
You should
get that looked at.
(Chuckles) Yeah.
(MC outside)
Let's see a few more clips.
OK. What did I do? Hmm?
What?
(Chanting)
We want the crew!
(MC) ..same affection
for the crew
as the crew had
for each other.
These weren't just adventurers
exploring space. These were
friends.
- Unbelievable.
- You are so full of it!
These guys put a little set
in their basement. I'm there
an hour.
It's nothing, Gwen.
They wanted the Commander.
- There he goes.
- Alexander, wait! Grab him!
(Chanting)
We want the crew!
OK! Yeah! Here we go!
- Come on, old friend.
- Old friend?!
You stole my lines -
cut me out of episode two!
(MC) Tawny Madison,
my personal favourite,
Gwen DeMarco!
Yeah!
'It's getting hotter,
Commander.'
(MC) That's what
I'm talkin' about!
Let's hear a warm welcome
for crack gunner Laredo...
Tommy Webber!
- You will go out there!
- I won't.
- And nothing you say
will make me.
- The show must go on.
(MC) ..Freddie Kwan!
Damn you.
Damn you. I won't say
that stupid line one more time.
(MC) Tev'Meck...Alexander Dane!
Yeah! All right!
(Cheering)
'By Grabthar's Hammer,
you shall be avenged!'
(MC) Yeah! All right!
That guy can act.
And finally,
my...fellow Questerians,
the brave commander
of the NSEA Protector,
Peter
(Peter, Peter, Peter)...
Quincy
(Quincy, Quincy, Quincy...)
Taggert
(Taggert, Taggert, Taggert)
Jason Nesmith!
Yeah!
(Wild applause)
(Woman)
We love you, Commander!
- Never give up...
- (Audience) Never surrender!
Damn the resonance cannons,
full speed ahead! Huh?
(MC) The Commander and crew
will be signing autographs
on decks C and B
near the Coke machines.
(Man) Whoo!
Quest forever, man!
Excuse me,
crew member coming through.
- Fans, right? Hey, Gwen.
- Oh, hey, man.
Hey man, thanks for that intro
you gave us. Um...
Guy. Probably don't remember me,
do you? It's the sunglasses.
I was on the show
in '82, episode 81.
Got killed by a lava monster
before the first commercial.
Listen, uh...maybe I could sit
in and, uh, sign some
autographs?
By Grabthar's hammer, by the
sons of Warvan, I shall avenge
you!
By Grabthar's...
Next.
Had I moved an inch
the beast would have killed me,
but my crew was in danger.
How did you know
what to do?
Come on! Without my crew,
I'm not a commander, huh?
And we all remember
what happened on Enok VII.
(Laughter)
You've gotta admit,
they really do love him.
Almost as much
as he loves himself.
Excuse me, Commander. Hey!
I was wondering if you could
help settle a dispute my crew
and I have.
Um, if you remember,
uh, in andquot;Quasar Dilemma...andquot;
Excuse me for a minute,
fellas.
What about the relevant
conundrum?
In episode 15,
andquot;Mist of Delos Vandquot;
I got the feeling that you
and the Commander had a thing.
Did you?
No. The Commander and I
never had a thing.
Well, that's her story.
Excuse me.
Gwen.
Gwen!
Gwen!
- Commander.
- Excuse me.
I must speak to you.
It is of supreme importance.
We are Thermians
and...we...need your help.
Oh, oh, oh.
Is this about that gig tomorrow?
Hammer it out with my agent,
and make sure there's a limo.
Last time I did one of these
gigs, they shoved me in a
Toyota.
Remember, mum's the word.
- Certainly, but um...
- Mum.
(All) Mum. Mum. Mu-um.
(Photographer)
And... Beautiful!
Crewman Madison,
the mist of this strange planet
is filling my head
with such thoughts.
It was cute
when I didn't know you.
(Laughter)
What a freak show, man.
Oh, this is hilarious.
Bunch of losers! Beggin' for
autographs at 15 bucks a pop.
These guys haven't had
a real acting job for 20 years.
Nesmith gets off on those
retards thinking he's a space
commander!
And his friends can't stand him!
Did you hear them ragging on
him?
He has no idea he's a laughing
stock, even to his buddies.
- He's pathetic!
- Come on.
The Galaxy Quest Dancers
are on.
Whoo! Full speed ahead,
Lieutenant.
Hey, Commander, uh,
so in andquot;The Quasar Dilemmaandquot;
you used the auxiliary deck B...
Get this...
Deck B for gamma override.
But the online
blueprints indicate...
that deck B is independent
of the guidance matrix.
So where is the error
in that?
It's just a television show.
That's all, OK?
Right, but... We were wondering
if the quantum flux...
There is no quantum flux.
There's no auxiliary.
There's no goddam ship!
You got it?
(Murmuring)
I mean it, Alex. I've never seen
him lose it like that. Not to a
fan.
I mean, it was just weird.
Gwen,
I have said it for years.
He's mentally unstable.
(Sighs) I...I'm worried.
It just was not like him.
(Fighting on TV)
(Changes channels)
'As long as there
is injustice,
'whenever a Targathian baby
cries out,
'wherever a distress signal
sounds among the stars,
'we'll be there,
this fine ship, this fine crew.'
- Never give up...
- 'Never give up...
'Never surrender.'
(Gentle knocking on window)
(Knocking continues)
(Groans)
- Can I help you?
- Sir, this is terrible
protocol.
- You shouldn't come here, man.
- I beg you to hear our plea.
We are Thermians
from the Klatu Nebula.
Our people are being slaughtered
by Sarris of Fatu-Krey.
We have met in negotiation.
However, our efforts have been
disastrous.
Please, Commander.
You are our last hope.
(Chuckles)
- We have secured our limousine.
- What?
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Um, it's the thing
for the thing that's, um...
Ha. Maybe I should get
some pants on.
Come on in.
- (Groans)
- Commander,
I must say that standing here
in your presence...
is the greatest honour we could
ever have hoped to achieve.
That's...
I really appreciate that.
Would you look
for another shoe like this?
(Groans)
Sir, I am Lahnk,
senior requisition officer.
Please let me know
if you have any requirements.
- Weapons, documents, personnel.
- Um, a Coca-Cola?
Sir, I am Teb.
I would like to explain
our history in greater detail.
Hey, how ya doin'?
In the years following the Great
Nebula Burst, our people were
one...
What's your name?
- Doesn't she talk?
- Her translator is broken.
(Shrieks)
Okey dokey.
You know, guys, I had a late
night with a Kreemorian fangor
beast
so...I'm gonna just
shut my eyes for a bit.
Go on. You know? I'm listening
to everything you say, OK?
Following the Great Nebula Burst
our people were one people.
But then came the Zactor
Migration, and then the Melosian
Shift
and a dark period of discontent
spread through the land.
Fighting among Treeb sects and
Largoths...ah, the foolishness!
And it was in this time
of dissension that Sarris...
(Barks)
- Commander. Commander?
- Hmm.
I'm sorry, sir, but your
presence is requested on the
command deck.
Mm.
Sir, Sarris has moved the
deadline. We are approaching
his ship now.
He wants an answer
to his proposal.
I got most of it.
Sarris is the bad guy?
Yes, sir.
He's a very bad man indeed.
He has tortured
our scientists,
captured our females
for his own demented purposes...
Yeah. Do you have pages
or should I just wing this?
I am not sure
I understand you.
- Welcome to Protector Two.
- Hi.
- Would you like your uniform?
- I'll skip that,
I got this gig
in Van Nuys in 15 minutes.
- As you wish.
- Sir, it's Sarris. He's here.
General, the Thermians
have appointed a new commander
to handle the negotiations.
What?
This is great. Usually it's just
cardboard walls in the garage.
Sir, we apologise
for operating in low-power mode
but we are experiencing
a...reflective flex field.
You know what I could use? A cup
holder and a couple of Advil.
Approaching, sir.
Command to slow?
Set it on screensaver two.
(Chuckles) We, you
know...gotta...
(Groans) Oh, I'm sorry
to break up the mood here.
Um, slow it down
to mark two, Lieutenant.
(Sarris) 'I see fear.
- 'That is expected.'
- Mm-hm.
- 'Ahh, they bring
a new commander.'
- It's good.
- 'Here are my demands.'
- Scary. It looks...real.
'And if I do not hear
what I like
'then there will be blood and
pain as you cannot imagine!'
- 'First...'
- Ahh, backwash.
'I require the Omega 13.
'Second, I will require
a technician...'
Okey dokey! Let's fire
blue particle cannons full,
red particle cannons full,
gannet magnets, left and right
and let 'em run all chutes.
And while you're at it,
toss that at 'em, killer!
That should
take care of lobster head.
(Nervous chuckle)
Commander,
where are you going?
- Home.
- You...mean Earth?
Yeah, back to Earth, kids.
But the negotiations,
y-you fired on him.
Yeah.
What's your planet called?
- Thermia.
- Long live Thermia.
What if Sarris survives?
- I doubt it.
- He has a very powerful ship.
If you got any more problems,
give me a call.
Ow!
- An interstellar vox.
- A what? Hey.
How can we thank you, Commander?
You... You have saved our
people.
Yeah. OK. You know, you kids
have been great. You really
have.
This thing is real lookin'.
Yoo-hoo. Hello? (Chuckles)
Hey! Where's my limo?
Huh?
(Heavy clunk)
- (Slurping)
- Oh!
(Muffled groans)
(Machinery whines)
(Screams)
(Gwen, on PA) Take it from us,
we've been all over the
universe.
(Fred) But we've never seen
space-age values like these,
at...
Tech Value Electronic
Superstore!
By Grabthar's hammer...
what a savings.
All right! Yeah, let's hear it
for the NSEA Protector.
- ..vacuum laser...
- No, you've got it all wrong.
- Brandon, are you OK?
- Oh, Commander! My apologies.
Evidently, we had
a miscommunication regarding...
the voyage -
you didn't show up.
(Panting)
(Boy)
He... He did it again.
Do you know what time it is?
Why do you even bother to show
up at all?
No, no, not now.
Guys, I was there.
I was up there.
Remember those people dressed
like aliens? They were aliens.
Termites or Dalmatians. I can't
remember cos I was hungover.
What they'd built was
extraordinary. It was
a huge spaceship.
I got to fight this guy named
Sarris and I kicked his ass!
I know what you think. But I can
prove it. They gave me this.
No, no, no, no. But can you talk
to people in space on those?
Protector,
this is the Commander!
- For God's sake.
- That's it. Time to go!
This isn't mine.
That kid. Where's that kid?
Commander, we come with news.
Sarris lives.
- He was able to escape.
- Tell them.
However, he wishes
to negotiate a surrender.
We humbly implore you
to come and negotiate the terms.
Huh? You want me back?
Is this amazing? They want me
back and I want you guys to
come!
Think about it.
Let's go. Yes!
You're...you're goin'?
Alexander...I'm not kidding.
This isn't a prank.
I'm not kidding.
Guys, listen.
Come on. Gwen, Gwen, Gwen.
Stop. You know me, I'm a lot
of things, but am I crazy?
It's one thing
to treat us this way.
It's another thing
to do it to your fans.
She's not a fan!
This is... This is a Termite!
You should've
just let me hit him.
Boy, I didn't know
you could get that loaded.
I think we should've
just taken the gig.
Who knows
the next time he'll ask us?
Fred, he was drunk. Do you
really think he was talking
about a job?
Did Jason come through here?
Yeah, he...he's in there.
Hey, guys.
Ah. We are coming, too.
- You wish to go to the ship?
- Yes, we wish to go
to the ship.
You see, we work together,
or not at all.
Wonderful. The Commander had me
continue in case you decided to.
- Request four interstellar...
- Oh! Me, too.
Five pods for immediate
departure.
(Deep humming)
Guys. Guys?
I look forward to meeting you
when you arrive at the ship.
End transmission.
- (Slurping)
- Oh, my God.
- (Zap)
- Anybody got any change?
Oh!
(Distant shrieking)
(Shrieking)
(Instruments whirring)
Our most sincere apologies.
We forgot about our appearance
generators.
You guys came!
Who wants the grand tour?
- (Screaming stops)
- Anybody else?
That was a hell of a thing.
- What's wrong with them?
- I don't know. Come on.
That's right, shake it off.
It gets better.
- Try some gum. It helps.
- Where are we?
The 23rd quadrant of the gamma
sector. I'll show you.
- My friends!
- This is Mathesar,
their leader.
On behalf of my people I thank
you from the deepest place in
our hearts.
Mathesar,
this is, uh, my crew.
Dr Lazarus.
(Crew whispering)
Dr Lazarus. Dr Lazarus.
Lieutenant Madison.
(Whispering)
Lieutenant Madison.
Young Laredo,
how you've grown.
(All) Young Laredo.
Tech Sergeant Chen.
(Crew whispering)
Tech Sergeant Chen.
C-Crew man number si...
Guy.
(All) Guy.
You...know us?
(All chuckle)
I don't believe
anyone on my planet does not.
Since receiving transmission
of your historical documents
we have studied all of your
missions and strategies.
You watch the show?
Lieutenant,
historical documents.
Historical documents
from out here?
Yes. Our society
had fallen into disarray.
Our goals and values
were scattered.
But we have modelled every
aspect of our society from
your example,
and it has saved us.
Your courage and teamwork and
friendship through adversity.
All you see has been taken
from the lessons garnered
from the historical documents.
Is this a...a spaceship?
No, this is a starport
for the ship.
Would you guys
like to see the ship?
(Door whooshes)
(Clunking and whirring)
(Alexander) Oh, my God!
It's real.
(Mathesar)
The generator room.
The beryllium sphere,
of course.
The medical quarters
are to the left.
We went to some trouble
duplicating your cellular
regeneration system...
- Jason, what have you
got us into?
- Wow, the floors are so clean.
We're just negotiating
a surrender. No big deal.
..and the organ fabrication
chamber is coming along nicely.
No big deal? Are you crazy?
We have to get out of here.
- Come on, guys.
- We're actors, not astronauts.
You guys wanna go home,
we'll go home - pay our bills,
feed our fish,
fall asleep in front of the TV
and miss out on all this.
Come on. Do you guys
wanna do that? Anybody?
Gwen, look where we are.
We're in space.
Alexander, this is the role
of a lifetime. You wanna leave?
(Mathesar) We have prepared
many of your esoteric dishes.
Your Monte Cristo sandwich
is a favourite here.
The main barracks.
(Drum roll)
At ease.
It's like throwing gasoline
on a flame.
What?
I'm just jazzed
about being on the show, man.
(Mathesar) If you would
take your positions.
(Gwen) Our what?
Guys.
(All) Oh. Hmm.
(Tommy) Look, this thingy.
I remember...
I had it all worked out.
This is forward.
This is back.
(Humming)
Commander, some the crew want
to be present at this historic
event.
Sure. Bring 'em in.
(Shrieks)
(Chuckles) No pressure, huh?
I'm glad I ain't the Commander.
Laredo, take us out.
- Excuse me?
- (Chuckles)
They designed those
controls after watching you.
- Take her out. (Clears throat)
- Right, right.
OK.
Right.
Right. Take her out.
(Clunking and humming)
(Engines rumble)
(Beeps)
(Engine hum rises)
OK.
Move more to the right.
Would you sit your ass down?
Move! You wanna drive?
(Metal scraping)
(Chuckles nervously)
(Metal scraping)
(Scraping stops)
(Cheering)
(Jason) Oh. Mmm.
How is your steak,
Commander?
I'm really enjoying it.
This is like corn-fed Iowa beef.
We programmed the food
synthesiser based on the menu
of your birthplace.
(Jason) I don't care,
it tastes great.
Are your Kep-mok bloodticks,
Dr Lazarus?
Just like Mother
used to make.
(Alexander)
So...tell me, Mathesar,
this Sarris person
we're meeting.
What does he want?
- (Gagging)
He heard about the device...
the Omega 13.
Um, what is it?
What does it do?
We don't know.
We were hoping
you could enlighten us.
(Nervous chuckle)
Oh. The Omega 13 device.
We found that on an alien
planet. We don't know what it
does either.
Why not just
turn it on and see?
- (Shrieks)
- (Laughs)
It has at its heart a reactor
capable of unthinkable energy.
If we were mistaken, the device
would cause a chain reaction...
that would obliterate
all matter in the universe.
Has Sarris seen any of the...
historical records?
No, thank God, he has not.
Oh. So how does he know
about the Omega 13 device?
Our former commander
was not...strong.
Former commander?
I am sorry.
You deserve to be shown.
The tape was smuggled
off of Sarris' ship.
Originally,
one of us tried to lead.
(Sarris) 'Is that all?
'After three days of this,
you still require...incentive?'
- (Shrieking)
- (Electricity buzzing)
(Thermian) 'I have told you
all I know. Please, let me die.'
(Sarris) 'When I grow weary
of the noises you make you
shall...die.'
(Electricity crackles)
Guys, hold on. You can't leave.
Give me time to think.
- He wants to think(!)
- There's nothing
to think about!
I'm not supposed to be here.
I'm expendable.
I'm the guy in the episode who
dies to prove it's serious.
- Commander?
- Prepare the pods for my crew.
Sir, we can't. Sarris will
detonate any objects leaving
the ship.
- Sarris?
- Yes, sir. He's here.
Your presence is required
on the command deck.
There's nobody here.
My people are talented
scientists,
but our tactical simulations
have been disastrous.
I have raised Sarris
on zeta frequency.
- Mathesar...
- 'We meet again, Commander.'
Hello, Sarris.
How you doin'?
'Better than my lieutenant.
'He failed to activate
the neutron armour
'as quickly as I'd hoped
on our last encounter.'
Well, I'm real sorry
about what happened before.
The whole thing was just a...
a misunderstanding.
'Deliver the device to me,
or I will destroy your ship!'
You know, um,
we'd like do that,
but frankly, we don't know
what it is or even where it is.
'You have 10 seconds!'
(Jason)
I don't... 10 seconds?
You know...OK. Gosh darn it,
I give up. It's yours.
Give me a minute
to put it in a box for you, OK?
Gwen. (Clicks tongue)
Don't panic. I've dealt with
this guy before. He's as stupid
as he is ugly.
- Jason.
- Not now, Gwen.
Sit, sit, sit, sit.
We're gonna
send everything at him.
- Jason.
- Not now, Gwen!
Push these
and send everything at him, OK?
- OK.
- All right, Gwen,
put me back on.
Well, I'm trying to tell you,
you ARE back on.
'Perhaps I'm not as stupid
as I am ugly, Commander!'
I gave you the...
andquot;killandquot; gesture.
No, you gave me the andquot;we're deadandquot;
signal. I was agreeing with you.
(Guy) Hey, you guys.
There's a red, uh, thingy...
- movin' towards
the green thingy.
- What?
Red thingy moving towards
the green thingy...
I think...I think
we're the green thingy.
'A little present for you,
Commander.'
Move this ship! Go!
(Gwen screams)
(Explosion)
(Explosions and screaming)
- Tommy, get us out of here!
- What do I do?!
Go, go, go!
(All shout)
Whoo!
They're turning.
They're coming!
Thrust ahead, full!
(Sarris) Fire at will.
- (Explosions)
- Go faster, Tommy!
- I'm going as fast as I can!
- She's still behind us!
I always say
andquot;Press the turbo,andquot; right?
- It's right here!
- Press it and hold it down!
(Explosion)
- (Engines roar)
- Whoo!
(Computer)
'Enemy matching velocity.'
- Enemy matching velocity.
- We heard the first time!
I'm doing it.
I'm repeating the computer.
(Deadpan) 'Hi, guys.
Listen, they're tellin' me...
'the, uh...
the generators won't take it.
'The ship is breakin' apart
and all that. Just FYI.'
- We've gotta stop!
- We stop and we die.
Tommy, hold on!
- Turbo's only for quick boosts!
- Oh, like you know!
(Engines sputter)
(Alarm)
I remember that sound.
That's a bad sound.
Wait, wait! We might be able
to lose them in this cloud.
- I don't think that's a cloud.
- Mathesar, what is it?
The Tothian minefield
from the war of 12185.
Oh, God! Whoo!
(Moaning and whimpering)
(Explosion)
Could you possibly try
NOT to hit every single one?
Sorry, man,
I think they're magnetic!
(Clunk)
Continue forward, sir?
Patience, Lieutenant.
Patience.
- We've gotta stop!
- We're almost through.
(Engines splutter and die)
- You OK? You all right?
- Yeah.
Everybody all right?
Where's Tommy?
- (Screaming) Oh, man!
- Tommy! You all right?
No, my arm is broke...
Don't touch it! Don't touch it!
- I'll take him
to Medical quarters.
- Thanks, Mathesar.
(Tommy screams)
Alex, where are you going?
To see if there's a pub!
(Computer) 'Forward thruster
shaft, 87% damage.
'Aft vector guards, 96% damage.
'Structural breaches
in quadrants 32, 34, 40...'
- What about the engines?
- 'Forward thrust shaft,
87% damage.'
Computer, what about the
engines? Why don't we have
power?
'The beryllium sphere
has fractured under stress.'
- It's fractured.
- Can it be repaired?
- Computer, can it be repaired?
- 'Damage to sphere irreparable.
- 'New source
of beryllium needed.'
- We need another one.
You broke the bloody ship!
Eh, ah...Ahem. Computer, is
there a replacement sphere on
board?
Computer, is there a replacement
beryllium sphere on board?
'Negative. No reserve beryllium
sphere exists on board.'
No, we have no extra
beryllium sphere on board.
That is really
getting annoying!
Look, I have one job
on this lousy ship.
It's stupid,
but I'm gonna do it, OK?
Sure, no problem.
A thousand apologies.
We have failed you.
(Chuckles)
How have you failed us?
We have seen you victorious in
much more desperate situations.
The fault must lie with us,
with the ship.
No, it is not your fault,
and it's not the ship's fault.
It-it's my fault.
W-we screwed...
We are not
the people you think we are.
I don't understand.
Didn't you make any TV shows on
your planet? Any theatre? Films?
The historical documents
of your culture.
Yes, in fact, we have begun
to follow your example.
No, not historical documents.
They're not all historical
documents.
Surely you don't think
that Gilligan's Island is a...
- (Moaning)
- Those poor people.
(Tommy) Oh, brother.
We're screwed.
Is there no one on your planet
who behaves in a way...
that's contrary to reality?
Ahh! You are speaking of...
- Deception, lies.
- Deception, lies.
We have only recently
become aware of this concept
in our dealings with Sarris.
Often, Sarris will say
one thing and do another.
Promise mercy,
but deliver destruction.
It is a concept we are learning
at some great cost.
But if you are saying you could
have traits in common with
Sarris...
(Laughs)
(Laughs weakly)
(Intercom beeps)
'Hey, Commander, listen.
We found some beryllium
on a nearby planet.
'We might be able
to get there
'by reconfiguring the solar
matrix in parallel for
endothermic propulsion.
'What do you think?'
- We'll do that!
- All right!
Th-that's right again.
That's...
C-Come on, group hug. Come on.
Dr Lazarus, I hope
I am not breaching protocol,
but I am so very humbled
to stand in your presence.
I have studied your missions
extensively.
Though I am Thermian, I have
lived my life by your
philosophy,
by the code of the Mak'tar.
- Oh, good, that's very nice.
- By Grabthar's hammer, Dr L...
- Don't! I'm not kidding.
- Sorry, sir, I was only...
Just don't.
Yes, sir.
Never give up,
never surrender.
Dr Lazarus?
Here is your surface mapper.
I have programmed
the co-ordinates
of a beryllium sphere
of sufficient density.
Good luck, sir.
Thanks.
You're doing good, Tommy.
I changed my mind.
I wanna go back.
After the fuss you made
about getting left behind?
But I thought I was the crewman
that stays on the ship
and something up there
kills me.
But what if I'm the guy who's
killed by a monster when we
land?
You won't die
on the planet, Guy.
I'm not?
Then what's my last name?
It's, uh,
uh...I don't know.
Nobody knows!
Do you know why?
Because my character
isn't important enough.
Because I'm gonna die
five minutes in.
Guy, you have a last name.
- Do I?! Do I?!
- Yes!
For all you know,
I'm just crewman number six.
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
Are we there yet?
(Guy) Mommy!
(Jason) Tommy!
(Gwen) Look out! Oh, no!
(Alexander) Pull out!
(Fred) Oh, yeah!
Oh, boy! Yeah!
(Guy) Don't open that!
It's an alien planet!
Is there air? You don't know!
Seems OK.
Here we go.
(Jason) Which way, Alexander?
(Beeping)
This way!
Wait. No.
- That way.
- You were holding it
upside down.
- Shut up.
- I actually
thought you were smart.
You could do better, Laredo?
(Tommy) Stop that Laredo stuff.
(Guy) We're screwed.
(Jason) Come on,
use some self-control.
(Gwen) That's funny from a guy
who slept with every slave girl
AND moon princess on the show.
(Jason) If you'd
been more supportive...
(Alexander) Wow. Must be
some sort of mining facility.
Where are the miners?
Something bad happened here.
Will you relax?
There they are.
Beryllium spheres. Let's go.
(Gasps)
(Alien chattering)
Look at that.
Would you look at that?
They look like
little children.
Could they be the miners?
Sure, they're like,
three years old.
Miners, not minors!
- You lost me.
- I don't like this.
- I don't like this at all.
- They are so cute.
Sure, they're cute now, but in
a second, they'll get mean.
They're gonna get ugly somehow,
then there'll be a million more.
(Gasping) Look.
There's a little hurt one.
(Whimpers)
Aw.
(Whimpering continues)
Hi. Hi there.
- Ah!
- Shh!
Did you guys ever WATCH
the show?
See? They're gonna help
the little hurt one.
(Whispering)
I'm so sick of being right.
Let's go,
before those things kill Guy.
We're not going
without a beryllium sphere.
I need a diversion
to clear the compound.
Then, we'll go get a sphere.
Tommy, if you see them
come back give a signal.
- Why is this so familiar?
- andquot;Assault on Voltareckandquot;,
episode 81.
- Episode 81?
- The one with the hologram.
How the hell
does Fred project a hologram?
- Is it episode 81?
- It's just a rough plan.
- What difference does it make?
- Cos I died in episode 81!
- Shh! Episode 51, right?
- This is ludicrous.
Why are you listening to this
fellow? This is a costume, not
a uniform.
He's no more equipped to lead us
than him. No offence.
Look, they're gone.
- Where'd they go?
- I don't know.
Nobody was watching?!
Gwen, Fred, Alex and I
will get a sphere.
Fleegman, Tommy,
you're lookout.
- You see anything,
give us a signal.
- What kind?
- Any kind of signal.
- OK, I'll do this.
Coo! Coo!
What are you, an infant?!
Look, we have these.
That... Sorry.
Let's go.
(Grunting)
- Does the rolling help?
- Uh-huh, it helps.
- Where's your gun?
- It helps.
- Oh.
- What?
Ha ha, never give up,
never surrender.
(Others) Oh, shut up.
Caw, caw! Jason! They're coming!
There's thousands of 'em!
Run, Jason! Run! Run!
They're everywhere,
they're everywhere!
Everywhere!
Come on, let's go!
- (All shouting)
- Hurry!
(Guy) They're everywhere!
Come on!
(Jason) Don't look back.
Do not look back!
(Guy)
We're not gonna make it!
(Guy) I knew it, I knew it!
I knew this was gonna kill me!
(Jason) Come on! Push!
Let's go, Tommy!
It's gonna take a few seconds.
I got it, I got it!
- Go ahead.
- There's no time. Get in!
You've got to be the hero,
haven't you?
Heaven forbid
anybody else gets the spotlight!
Jason! Jason, come on!
(Gwen) Hurry!
(Jason) Tommy, go! Go! I'm in!
No, no, no! Jason, please!
- Tommy, stop the pod!
- I can't, it's on autopilot!
(Guy) Leave him!
(Gwen) No!
(Screeching)
Oh, right!
Of course,
it's always about you, isn't it?
(Snorting)
Ugh! Oh! Oh! Ugh!
- (Growls)
- Oh...
(Aliens chanting)
Gorignak! Gorignak!
Gorignak! Gorignak!
Jason? Jason,
can you hear me?
'Yeah, Gwen, you got me.'
- Thank God. Are you OK?
- 'Yeah.'
Gorignak's staring me
in the face right now.
'But you know what?
I think I can take him.'
(All) Oh.
Jason, we're gonna use
the digital conveyor.
- The digital conveyor?
- 'Yes.'
You're gonna have me diced
and sent up there in a million
pieces?
- Right.
- 'Well, you know what?
'I'll take my chances
with Gorignak.'
(Gwen) 'We're getting you out.
It's perfectly safe, isn't it,
Teb?'
It has never been
successfully tested.
- 'What did he say?'
- Hold, please.
Theoretically
it is fully operational.
But it was built
for your...anatomy, not ours.
But Tech Sergeant Chen
can operate it.
It was designed watching him
in the historical documents.
I-I-I mean, I can't.
I-I can supervise...
We're gonna test it.
- On what?
- How about that pig lizard?
- 'I'm doing OK
with the pig lizard.'
- Please, Fred? And hurry.
(Nervous laugh)
I'm sorry. It's very exciting
to watch the master.
The conveyor is more...
hm...art than science.
Stand back, Jason.
(Aliens chanting)
Gorignak, Gorignak, Gorignak...
(Growls)
(Zap)
Oh!
(Screams and groans)
- 'What was that?'
- Uh...
- Nothing.
- 'I heard squealing.'
- Everything's fine.
- But the animal is inside out.
I heard that.
It turned inside out?
And it exploded.
Did I just hear that the animal
turned inside out and exploded?
'Hello?'
Hold, please.
'Hey, wait a minute, guys...'
Why are they
still yelling andquot;Gorignakandquot;?
Teb, hit the translation
circuit.
(Aliens chanting)
'Gorignak... Rock.'
Rock, rock, rock, rock!
(All) Oh!
Jason, I don't think
the pig lizard was Gorignak.
What the hell
you talkin' about?
Oh, darn.
(Sighs) Oh.
'Digitise me!'
- Come on.
- 'Digitise me!'
- Not me.
- They based it
on your movements.
Am I the only one
who saw that thing inside out?
I'm not Tech Sergeant Chen.
Kwan's not even my real name.
Jason, you'll have to kill it.
Kill it? Well,
I'm open to any suggestions.
Go for the eyes,
like episode 22!
It doesn't have any eyes,
Tommy.
Go for its vulnerable spots!
It's a rock.
It doesn't have any!
I know - construct a weapon.
Look around you.
- Can you form
a rudimentary lathe?
- A lathe?!
Get him off! Alexander,
you're my advisor. Advise!
Well, just figure out what it
wants. What is its motivation?
It's a rock monster.
It doesn't have motivation.
See? You were never serious
about the craft.
Oh! Fred, can you hear me?!
Fred, are you there? (Screams)
- Kinda.
- 'You can do it, Fred!'
Oh, no, no, no. Jason,
I'll just...just mess it up.
You did it for years
on the show!
That was the show.
I'm not him.
You never forgot a line
or missed a mark!
Oh!
That's not me any more.
It is you, Fred.
You just stopped trying.
You can do this.
You're gonna save my life.
- I am?
- 'No doubt about it, Fred.
'Fred!
'Fred, can you hear me?'
'Fred!'
Fred? I don't wanna die
down here.
Digitise me, Fred!
(Zap)
Oh, wow.
- Tech Sergeant Chen.
- Yeah!
(Gwen and Jason kiss)
You managed
to get your shirt off.
- I did it.
- Welcome back, Fred.
All right, is the beryllium
sphere installed?
- Yes, we are back
to full power.
- Engines and pods?
- Fully operational.
- Perfect!
You can drop us off and you guys
can be home before supper.
No, we have no reason
to go back.
Sure you do.
Family, friends...
We are all that is left.
- I didn't know that.
- I have raised
the command deck.
Mathesar, meet us
up on the command deck.
Mathesar.
Mathesar! Quellek!
Why can't we reach them?
(Footsteps)
(Growls)
(Mathesar) Commander.
Thank God, you're alive.
Now you will face justice,
Sarris.
At every turn, you demonstrate
the necessity for your
extermination!
Leave him alone.
You wish to save the life
of this man?
Yeah. Yes.
Then tell me - what does it do,
this Omega 13?
I don't know what it does.
I said, I don't know!
- Is it a bomb?
- I don't know.
- A booby trap?
- I don't know!
- Tell me!
- I don't know!
Do you think I'm a fool?!
That the Commander does not know
every bolt and weld in his
ship?!
(Groans)
Prepare a tear harness...
for the female.
(Jason) No! Gwen, no!
You brute! Let go of me!
- (Groaning) I'm not
the Commander.
- What did you say?
I said,
I'm not the Commander.
Leave them.
There's no reason to hurt them.
- They don't know anything.
- Explain.
Gwen, show him
the historical documents.
(Sighs) Computer,
show the historical documents
of the Galaxy Quest missions.
(Galaxy Quest theme)
(Chuckles)
Wonderful.
You have all done far greater
damage than I ever could have.
Bravo!
(Laughs) Bravo.
This is a moment
I will treasure.
Explain to him...
who you all really are.
Tell him!
Explain!
Mathesar, the...
There's no such person
as Captain Taggert.
My name is Jason Nesmith.
I am...an actor.
We're all actors.
He doesn't understand.
Explain,
as you would a child.
We, uh...we pretended.
We lied.
(Moans)
Yes! You understand that,
don't you, Mathesar?
Mathesar,
I...I'm not a commander. I...
There's no National Space
Exploration Administration.
We don't have a ship.
But there it is.
That ship is that big.
But inside,
I see many rooms.
You've seen plywood sets
that look like the inside.
Our beryllium sphere is-is wire
with plaster around it.
And our... (Chuckles)
our digital conveyor is...
Christmas tree lights.
It's a decoration.
It's all fake.
Just like me.
(Whispers) But why?
It's difficult to explain.
On our planet, we...
we pretend to...
to entertain and...
Mathesar, I am so sorry.
God, I am so sorry.
(Gagging)
(Sarris) So now you know.
Lieutenant Lathe, hardwire
the reactor core to overload.
I would like to blow this
troublesome vehicle to dust.
Sarris,
what about my people?
Yes, far too simple a death
for them, isn't it?
Lathe, open an oxygen seal
on level C.
Let the air in a bit
for our friends.
Son of a... Uh!
Release them...
into space.
(Computer) 'Core overload.
Emergency shutdown overridden.
'Core implosion
estimated in nine minutes.
'Core overload.
Emergency shutdown overridden.'
Hey!
(Alexander) Where's
the happy ending, Jason?
andquot;Never give up,
never surrender.andquot;
Maybe it's about time you just
backed off, you fin-headed
monstrosity.
(Gwen) Jason?
You what?
You're starting to act
like you did in episode 17,
you scene-stealing hack.
Oh, right!
Well, how does it feel, Jason?
Was it worth it? You've murdered
us all!
- Shut up.
- Hundreds to die
because of you!
- Shut up!
- (Sarris) Get in there.
Just because you wanna play
at being commander, you lunatic.
Then I'll see you in hell.
Look out, Jason!
Get his gun! Get the gun!
(Guy) Take that!
(Screaming)
Sorry...
The door's a little sticky.
I'll get someone up here
with a can of WD-40.
(All laugh)
- Don't pull your punches.
- Scene-stealing hack?
- Raving egomaniac?
- Where's that from?
Hey, guys...
look.
(Gwen) They're suffocating.
(Computer) 'Core overload.
Emergency shutdown overridden.
'Core implosion
estimated in eight minutes.'
General, your transport
is ready for departure!
(Computer) 'Core overload.
Emergency shutdown overridden.
'Core implosion
estimated in seven minutes.'
- Computer, shut down the core.
- 'Unable.'
'Memory checksum invalid.
Core system's hardware damaged.'
This is what we gotta do.
Gwen, you and I will shut
the core down manually.
Fred, take Guy and Laliari.
Save those Thermians.
Alexander, wedge a door open
in case they can't.
Wait, what about me?
What do I do?
You're gonna practise driving.
Let's go!
Practise driving.
(Gwen) So we get to shut down
a neutron reactor?
I hate to break it to you,
but I don't know how to shut
down a neutron reactor,
and unless you took a course,
I'm pretty sure you don't know,
either.
No, I don't,
but I know someone who does.
Brandon, honey, the garbage.
Oh, Mother, I'm quite busy.
(Mother)
Don't make me ask again.
Just 10 more minutes, OK, Ma?
I promise.
(Beep)
(Beep)
(Jason)
'Hello? Anybody there?
'Hello?'
Hello?
Got him. Listen to me.
This is Jason Nesmith.
'I play Commander Peter Quincy
Taggert, NSEA Protector.'
We accidentally
traded boxes the other day.
Oh? Oh.
Commander, I see. OK.
'What's your name, son?'
Brandon.
I remember you
from the convention.
You asked all those technical
questions about the ship
and I was a little short
with you.
Yes, yes, I know,
Commander, and I wanna...
I wanted to tell you that I-I
thought about what you said...
- It's OK. Listen.
- But I want you to know...
I'm not
a complete brain case.
I understand completely
that it's just a TV show.
- H-Hold... Wait. Stop. Wait.
- (Brandon continues)
It's all real.
Oh, my God, I knew it.
I knew it! I knew it!
The crew and I are in trouble
and we need your help.
(Computer) 'Core overload.
Emergency shutdown overridden.
'Core implosion
estimated in six minutes.
- (Shriek)
- (Screams)
Sir, it's you. Thank Ipthar.
Quellek?
What are you doing up there?
I avoided capture by using
your Mak'tar stealth face.
- Where is everyone?
- Come with me.
I'll explain on the way.
We're at level C,
hallway five.
Um, go to weapons storage,
your second left,
through the passage.
That leads
to the utility corridors.
- Open.
- 'I'm gonna get Kyle.'
He knows
the utility tunnels best.
..38, 39, 40.
We have to turn off
the valve to the barracks.
- 'Hi, Brandon.'
- No pleasantries, Kyle.
We have an emergency.
You got the utility system map?
I've got sectors one to 28.
Hollister has the others.
'Get everybody online.'
- 'Pedal to the metal,
Commander.'
- Pedal to the metal, Commander.
General! I have just learned
that the commander of the
Protector
and his crew
have escaped custody.
- What?
- (Splat)
- Find them!
- But sir! My men...
The core implosion is...
FIND THEM!
Brandon, I see five ducts
in here. Which way?
The second to your left,
and just continue straight
for 50 metres.
Ducts?
Why is it always ducts?
(Brandon)
'There's a slight drop.'
Whoa!
Uh!
Thanks for the heads-up,
Brandon! You OK?
(Quellek) They're dying.
- We gotta go across this?
- 'Yes.'
Don't look down.
'Commander, what I'd give
to see what you're seeing.'
- What?
- You're deep in the Omega 13!
'Oh, it must be spectacular.'
It doesn't look
like much to me.
There's just these few walls
and this dumb spinning fan
that's in every single...
(Jason) Brandon, what does
the Omega 13 device do?
'Many believe
that it is a matter-collapser.'
A bomb capable of destroying
everything in 13 seconds.
'But myself and others are
convinced that it is a matter
rearranger,
'a 13-second time jump
to the past.'
Why 13 seconds? That's really
not enough time to do anything.
- Time to redeem
a single mistake.
- What?
We gotta turn off that valve.
Their oxygen's almost gone.
Listen, I'll go in. I'll create
a distraction. I've got this.
I might be able
to hold him long enough.
- That's suicide.
- I'm a glorified extra, Fred.
I'm a dead man anyway. I'd
rather die a hero than a coward.
Guy, Guy, maybe you're
the plucky comic relief.
You ever think about that?
Plucky?
Besides, I just had
this really interesting idea.
Are you stoned?
Gotta get them open
and give them some time.
Sir, perhaps together...
the Mak'tar chant of strength,
Larak tarath.
- Larak tarath, larak tarath.
- Larak tarath.
(Both) Larak tarath,
larak tarath, larak tarath!
(Air hisses)
Brandon, we're across.
Now what?
Take a left and then just
straight on through the
chompers.
andquot;The chompersandquot;?
- Well, screw that.
- How do we get through this?!
- Hollister,
what's the sequence?
- OK, the sequence is...
two-two-four-two...
What is this?
There's no useful purpose for
a bunch of chompy things in a
hallway!
We shouldn't have to do this.
Why is it here?!
- Cos it's on the TV show!
- Well, forget it!
I am not doing it!
This episode was badly written!
- When the first
crusher hits you...
- It just did!
- OK, go now.
- Go!
(Brandon) 'Go!
'Stop!
'Go-o!'
Come on, come on, come on.
'Go!
'Go!
'Go!
'Go! No, stop! Stop!
'Go!
- 'Stop!'
- (Gwen screams)
'Jump, Commander, jump!'
Whoever wrote this episode
should DIE!
This should be interesting.
(Beeping)
(Zap)
(Rumbling)
(Screaming)
It's the simple things
you treasure.
That's great.
Now...we better get...
Hey, get a room, guys.
Whoa!
(Guy) Hey, Fred...
Hey, Fred, uh...
Oh, that's not right. Oh!
Sir, the pressure -
it's normalising.
All right!
We are saved.
He has saved us.
Commander Taggert
has saved us!
(Cheering)
It's just not fair.
All right, Quellek,
let's get back to the Commander.
(Laser blast)
I'm...I'm shot.
(Thermian groaning)
Quellek?
It's not too bad.
We'll get you to the medical
quarters and you'll be fine.
It has been an honour
to serve with you.
I have been blessed, sir.
I-I...
Don't speak, Quellek.
You'll forgive
my impertinence, sir,
but even though
we had never before met,
I always considered you
as a father to me.
Quellek...
By Grabthar's hammer,
by the sons of Warvan,
you shall be...avenged.
..13, 14, 15,
16, 17, 18, 19!
- Brandon, how do we stop this?
- 'Push the blue button.'
- Is that it?
- Why, what's wrong?
I just thought
it'd be more complicated.
(Computer) 'Core implosion
estimated in 20 seconds.'
Brandon, it's not working.
Brandon!
Mother, I cannot stress enough
the severity
- of the Commander's
predicament.
- And the recyclables!
(Computer) 'Core implosion
estimated in 10 seconds.
- 'Nine, eight,'
- Gwen, I...
- 'seven, six,'
- I always...
- 'five, four,'
- Jason, oh, Jason.
'three, two, one.'
(Silence)
Oh, it always
stops at one on the show.
- (Laughs)
- What were you saying?
- Sir!
- What?
The detonation sequence
has been aborted.
Impossible! Impossible!
Lock a complement of implosion
missiles onto the Protector.
Tear her apart!
(Lasers firing)
Whoa! He's finished.
Alexander, listen to me.
It's OK, it's OK.
The Thermians
can handle it from here.
(Screaming)
We need that armour back up!
- Get me a forward view
right now!
- Plasma armour engaged.
- (Rumbling)
- Tommy, lose 'em
in that minefield.
- Minefield?
- Pedal to the metal!
- Pedal to the metal!
- Let's go!
Good going, Tommy.
Great going.
Thrust ahead...full!
Into the field! Go!
(Jason) Can you get us
closer to these mines?
Closer?
I could try.
General, I've lost them.
The magnetism of the minefield
is disrupting our instruments.
Wait! I see something.
Yes. Yes! There they are.
- Get back on their tail.
- I can't, sir.
- What? Why not?
- Because they're coming
right at us.
Fire at will.
Whoo! We're getting hammered,
Jason! Return fire?
No! Divert all energy
to the armour!
'How adorable!
'The actors
are going to play war with me.'
- Sarris is accelerating
toward us.
- Accelerate to mark four.
Let me remind you, sonny,
I am a general.
If you are counting
on me to blink,
then you are making
a deadly mistake.
Let me tell you something,
Sarris.
It doesn't take a great actor
to recognise a bad one.
You're sweating!
Armour almost gone, Jason!
You fool! You failed to realise
that with your armour gone,
my ship will tear through
yours like tissue paper.
And what you fail to realise
is my ship is dragging mines.
Oh, no! Turn, turn!
Yes! Yes!
Yes! (Laughing)
Yes! Yes!
(Cheering)
Mathesar!
Oh, my God, you're alive.
Come here.
The ship was a model
as big as this.
A very clever
deception indeed.
(Laughing)
Set a course for home?
- Can you do that?
- Just point and click.
- We'll go through a black hole.
- Objections?
(Jason)
All right, set her up.
What's the matter, Mathesar?
We were hoping
you could come with us.
M-my people have no commander.
Mathesar, I think your people...
have a great commander.
Sir.
(Whimpers)
Tommy, take us
into the black hole.
- We're out!
- We're going home!
(Computer)
'Systems functional.'
All systems are working.
Before we left there was an
energy surge from Sarris' ship.
Let's not worry about that
right now, Alexander... Fred?
Shouldn't you be downstairs?
Hey, you could put an eye out
with that.
Fred?
Agh!
No!
(Laser blast)
Mathesar!
Activate the Omega 13!
(High-pitched buzzing)
- We're out!
- We're going home!
(Computer)
'Systems functional.'
All systems are working.
Before we left there was an
energy surge from Sarris' ship.
(Gwen) Jason, what are you
doing? What are you doing?
Let go of me.
Let... It's not Fred!
That's Sarris. Listen,
I'm telling you, that's Sarris!
He's gonna kill all of us!
(Roaring)
Never give up,
never surrender.
Jason! Jason!
I can't slow it down!
Our ship cannot enter the
atmosphere. We need to separate,
or we'll die.
We gotta do it.
It's our only hope, Mathesar.
- Thank you.
- Crew to the secondary deck.
Mathesar!
Goodbye, my friends.
Fred, get up to command deck.
We're separating.
On, Teb, on!
(TV) 'The third day
of the GalaxyCon,
'and Jason Nesmith and his
entire crew are no-shows here,
'disappointing
all these fans...'
- Bye. Be back soon!
- Where you taking
those fireworks?
The Protector got
super-accelerated leaving
the black hole
and nailed the atmosphere
at mark 15,
which is pretty unstable,
obviously,
so we're gonna help Laredo
guide it in on the vox
with these for visual
confirmation.
All right,
dinner's at seven.
- Well, he's outside.
- Hmm.
(Screaming)
(Door hisses and clunks)
(Coughing)
(Coughs)
(Cheering)
Lieutenant Laredo...
Tommy Webber!
(MC) Hi, Tommy!
The beautiful Tawny Madison...
Gwen DeMarco!
Yes!
Yes!
Wow, what effects!
Another shipmate!
Yes, the more, the merrier!
The ship's Tech Sergeant Chen,
Fred Kwan...and a friend.
Dr Lazarus...Alexander Dane!
Give him a big hand.
He's British! Yes, sir!
Commander Peter Quincy
Taggert... Jason Nesmith!
(Jason) Great driving, Tommy.
Yeah! Yes!
Quick, quick! Go, go!
(MC) Mr Jason Nesmith!
Come on, give it up for the
crew, the NSEA Protector!
Ah, true love! Yes!
Wow!
- (Screaming)
- Come on!
They're here for you folks.
Come on!
What a show!
What a show! Yes!
Yes! Give it up! Wow!
Come on, give it up!
Give it all up...
for the crew of your favourite
show, Galaxy Quest! Wow!
Come on, come on!
(MC) Don't forget to buy Galaxy
Quest T-shirts on your way out.
Thank you.
Whoo!
Now, back again after 18 years,
The New Adventures
of Galaxy Quest.
(Mathesar)
Never give up,
never surrender.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KiFweCXH5MU