Anxiety - ATAQUE DE PÂNICO // ANXIETY PANIC ATTACKS

Anxiety




So this isn’t going to be fun, or interesting.
For either of us.
This is a video I feel like I’ve needed
to make for quite a while now.
But it’s taken a lot.
Like, even just sitting here, with an empty
room, in front of a camera, I…
It probably took about ten minutes, to turn
this camera on and actually start recording.
So yeah. This is a video about anxiety.
As some of you may or may not know, I’ve
struggled with anxiety issues on and off for
quite a while, probably since I was 15 or
16, I started getting panic attacks,
and it’s been a long and bumpy road since then.
It’s linked in a lot with… Now I don’t
want to say depression?
It’s just been, like, really low points,
when I’ve not felt great.
My anxiety has been higher around times when
I’ve not been feeling 100% happy or relaxed,
or just content with my life in general.
So I went to Trans Pride Brighton last weekend.
I was feeling okay about it. I knew that I
had to perform on stage, and I hadn’t…
I hadn’t prepared enough, or at all, really.
Because, with my music lately, I’ve not,
I’ve not been feeling positive about it,
I’ve not been feeling good about it.
So when it came around to the time that I
actually had to get up on stage,
I decided that I was going to tell them I can only play one song, I can’t go for the full 15 minute
slot I’d been given.
I thought that was a good choice.
It was probably the worst choice ever to make,
ever.
Because I let my, I let my anxiety, and I
let my worry dictate my decisions, and…
I’m pretty sure I’m, no, I’m 100% sure
I gave the worst performance of my life.
That I’ve ever given in the eight years
I’ve been performing things.
You know, starting at year seven with secondary
school musical production when
I didn’t even have a solo, up until this day. That was the worst performance I’ve ever given.
And it was bad for a lot of reasons. And I
know, that if I’d have gone up there, if I'd have
sung three songs, that song wouldn’t have
sounded as bad as it did.
I cant. I can’t post that on the internet
now, I can’t put that up here with the vlog
that I did of the day,
which I haven’t even posted yet because
I feel bad. I feel like that should be
the middle section of the video, should be me on stage. It should be, you know, four minutes of me
singing a song, but I can’t put it in there,
because it’s so bad.
But for that whole day. If anybody saw me
there, I want to apologise.
Because for that whole day, really. I would look
at a crowd of people, and I would start to feel dizzy.
And I would start to feel really overwhelmed,
and there were people coming up and talking to us,
which was great, and I love that, and I love making conversation, but I felt like I couldn’t make conversation,
because I was so anxious, and I was so nervous,
I felt like I had to impress these people, like,
I had to prove that, I was funny, and I was entertaining, and I was dorky, just like I am on the internet,
but I wasn’t, I was just like, “hi.......…”
And that was it. I managed, “hi”.
I think my reason for making this video is that
Summer in The City is less than two weeks away,
This time in two weeks, we will be there.
And we will be with you guys, in this huge space.
And I’m just worried I won’t be able to deal with it.
Like I physically won’t be able to bring
myself to, to enjoy myself, and to do all the things that
I know I have to do, and I should do, and
I want to do.
And I feel like I’m going to just, not do
them all together.
Like at Brighton I did it, but at a compromise.
But this time I feel like I just won’t. I feel like I’m just going to say, “sorry, I can't do it.andquot;
I love going to huge events. I’ve been going
to ComicCon since I was, like, 13.
And it’s always been the highlight of my year.
And yeah, sure, I used to get anxiety when
I was travelling there,
but by the time I’d got there I’d calmed
down enough, and I noticed that the crowds
of people weren’t that scary,
and now I feel like I just can’t do it.
Like I’m going to walk into a room and someone’s
going to point at us, and I’m going to freak out.
I just. I want to feel like I can relax, and
I want to feel like I can have fun.
But I’m so anxious about being anxious that
I can’t even get excited.
Every time someone mentions Summer in The
City I just, I think ...
“... Great. Yeah, that’s coming up soon”.
All in all, the kind of anxiety that I deal
with is very panic driven,
and when I start to feel uncomfortable, and when I’m not at ease, and when I’m worried about something,
I will freak out, I will have a panic attack,
I won’t be able to breathe, I won’t be
able to make conversation,
all I’ll be thinking about is, “when can
I get out of here?
When can I leave, and not be rude to people.
When can it be the most convenient for me
to go and find a quiet space
and sit there, for as long as I need to”.
And sometimes, the ‘for as long as I need
to’ can be… infinite.
It can be that I can’t go back, into that, that space.
And I have, I have coping methods, for how
to bring myself down from a panic attack,
I can kind of stop a panic attack if I know
it’s going to happen,
but I can’t stop myself from feeling anxious.
I’ve got no way of preventing that, I’ve
got no way of dealing with that, and I know
I shouldn’t think about it, I dwell on it,
and I shouldn’t…
I shouldn’t be anxious about being anxious,
but I can’t help it.
I just don’t want to be a disappointment.
And I know, I know I am capable of so much
better, but there’s just something in the way.
And sometimes this anxiety is the reason that
I don’t, I don’t talk to people,
I don’t have conversations with my own friends.
I, I don’t socialise.
I don’t talk to people on the internet,
I don’t post videos, I don’t answer questions.
And I just curl up in my little bubble, and
for four days straight I’ll
go to work, play video games, call Alex, and
sleep, and that’s all I do,
because I don’t feel worthy enough... to ask
people for their time.
And I don’t feel like I have anything valuable
to say,
so, you know, when people are having a conversation
with me, and they ask me a question,
and I just don’t reply, it’s because I
feel like I don’t have an answer,
I don’t have a valuable thing to say to
that question.
So yeah, basically, I think that’s all I
have to say about that topic?
This is probably going to be an ongoing…
thing.
I’ll probably make more videos about this
in the future, if you guys find it helpful
and useful to hear about.
This was just a rant, so I could get it out
of my system before SiTC,
so you kind of know what’s going on with
me.
Cool. That’s done.
Peace out, bitches.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKzg3_mw9OA


ATAQUE DE PÂNICO // ANXIETY PANIC ATTACKS




Hello, Wonderful People!
one more time..
Thank you very very very very much
for all the support you're giving me
It is wonderful
It's amazing
It's splendid!
I put this word in my vocabulary 'cuz I think it is splendid!
Today we're talking about PANIC ATTACKS
and they are very.. annoying
They're unbearable!
Panic Attacks are paroxysmal
But, Gabi, what is andquot;paroxysmalandquot;?
It's a moment where you are
happy and excited
I woke up feeling great!
And this feeling drops suddenly
In seconds you start to feel
bad, sad, you wanna cry
This is when you're having an Paroxysmal Panic Attack
From Happy to sadness in seconds
You're happy, nice, feeling ok
and for no reason
you look at this person and It's like
andquot;hey, what's going on? why so sad?andquot;
Your hands start to sweat
Your heart beats faster than normal
and has strong beats
You feel suffocated
You can be in a park but
you still feel suffocated inside of yourself
Well.. I feel something hot here
comes from the heart and spread to my body
very fast
And I don't shake normal..
I shake A LOT
all my body
I got agonized and inquiet
I move all the time
I NEED to do smething
and I cry A LOT.
All of this takes around 10' and 40 minutes
But you get stuck in the andquot;bed feelingandquot; all day long
You think.. andquot;what made me have that?andquot;
andquot;What should I do next time?andquot;
And the anxiety grows, right?
What should I do to not feel this again?
What should I do to get better?
- go to a doctor-
You think and think and think about everything that happened
in that panic attack
so you can figure out how to control
but we cant control, guys
It is very important that you look for a Doctor
And I will insist on this
Because I took so long to look for help
Because I was afraid of psychologist and psychiatric
It was not prejudgement
I never prejudge the doctors
I used to think that if I really needed I would go
But I was afraid
Just like people are afraid of heights
people are afraid of clowns
even fear of polices
I used to be afraid of psychologists
So I was always with excuses
andquot;I'll eat fine and anxiety will desapearandquot;
andquot;I'll excercise and It will get betterandquot;
But everything were getting worse.
one panic attack was worse than the another
It was horrible!
The first one was the worst because I didnt know what was going on
I didnt know about anxiety disorder
so I got in panic twice
One panic for andquot;nothingandquot; and another panic for being in panic and not knowing why
What are the thoughts I have while I'm in a panic attack?
First I think is andquot;I am a burden to everyone andquot;
andquot;I dont want to workandquot;
andquot;I dont wanna play, sing..andquot;
andquot;I dont want to do anything!andquot;
andquot;I just want to be here in my room!andquot;
andquot;I just want all this to endandquot;
andquot;I dont want to be a burden to anyone!andquot;
andquot;i don't want anyone looking at me with pitying eyesandquot;
or.. andquot;I'm sorry you're going through all of thisandquot;
andquot;I dont want anybody pressuring meandquot;
Because I already pressure myself too much
andquot;I have to be fine!andquot;
andquot;I have to be fine!andquot;
andquot; I have to get better!andquot;
andquot;I can't think thisandquot;
andquot; I can't think thatandquot;
I don't need anybody to come and say to me:
andquot;Oh Gabi, think this..andquot;
andquot;Everything is going to be fineandquot;
This make me worse, you know?
and that's when I think I'm a burden to that person
They are stopping doint what they want
Because of me
or.. They are there for me because I'm in a bad moment
but when I get better everybody will go away
And that's it!
I also think that I'm not a good person
to anyone.
I think andquot;Im not enough for my girlfriendandquot;
andquot;I'm not a good friend to my friendsandquot;
andquot;I'm not a nice roommate to Amandaandquot;
andquot;I just make mistakesandquot;
andquot;I treat people badandquot;
When I'm sober I know those are not true, you know?
I know I do my best to my girlfriend
I do my best to my friendship
I do my best inside of my house
But when we are having an attack
we're out of mind
We just think about bad things
And we just think bad about people
It is so bad that I wouldn't desire to my worst enemy.
andquot;When do I know I'll have a panic attack?andquot;
I dont know..
I dont know..
I kinda know the andquot;basicsandquot;, you know?
There are levels of Panic Attacks
There are some andquot;easyandquot;
we can help ourselves
There are others that happen in a random moment
when you realise you already had it and cried
you went our of yourself
I figure out that I have a andquot;miniandquot; panic attack
When I think I'm late for something
I dont know, I'll get out 3pm and It is 12pm yet
I'll take shower and It's gonna be 12:30pm
I'll have lunch.. 1pm
I'll get dressed 1:30pm
Make up.. 2pm
And If I think it's not a good look
I still have time to change
But something happen in the middle
For example, last week I was going to the mall
And I had everything organized
From 9am to 12pm
But I walked through the kitchen and I saw the dishes to wash
I thought: THIS WAS NOT IN MY PLAN.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
so I started to wash the dishes and I started to shake
I started to feel very very bad
Because I HAD to to that and I'd get late
After washing the dishes I went to take shower
I relaxed a little because of the water
But I was still shaking
I started to have a headache
and when I finally stopped everything
It was 12pm
and I was leaving at 1pm
I had 1 hour to relax
I took a deep breath
andquot;Well, I still have one hour evrything is fine!andquot;
andquot;I dont need to change clothesandquot;
andquot;I don't need to do anything elseandquot;
I felt good again
or When I have meetings
something like that
when my boss comes to me and say
andquot;Gabi we need to talk!andquot;
I dont get that feeling andquot; I DID SOMETHING WRONGandquot; anymore
actually I still get this feeling but not for too long
I think: what have I done theses days?
I look for ways to calm me down
Instead of think in bad things
I look for strategies
It helps me
In some way it is helping me
I don't know if I'm doing it right
I'll talk to my psychologist next week..
I'll talk to him, then I tell you
But when I have BIG attacks
Yesterday I woke up shaking again
I wanted to cry
in a bad mood
And I didnt know what was going on
then I did acupuncture, I went to the gym
during the day I was getting better
panic attacks ate very bad..
I just wanted to be fine
I also can't sleep
I go around my bed
round and round
so.. all of those things happen to me
when I'm having a panic attack
Tell me how it is with you
And maybe we can share some ideas
what works for you and what works for me
If you want to tell me a story so I can share in the videos
I will make some telling the stories of another people
If you want to write me an email
my email will be in this video description
Feel free to share your stories with me. It is going to be very important to me
I think it is going to be important for you too
to know that you're not alone
looking for recover
and look for something to make us feel better
and happy
with self esteem again
ok? so.. That's it for today!
Wait for you in the next video
GONE!
It's enough, right?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxiJ0zyjWrQ